I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
