I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
