I faked an abortion last night.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
