I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
