i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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