so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
