I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
did i walk over a car last night?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
