If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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