I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize