If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize