I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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