Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
