3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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