I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
