ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
