How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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