I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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