apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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