I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
That reminds me...we need to get swords
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
