I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The uberlube is also flammable
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
