I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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