cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
