Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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