If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
