Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
