this beer tastes like vomit already
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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