Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
