So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
