I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
