headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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