Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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