Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Randomize
