dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
