Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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