no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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