the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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