So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
