"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize