I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
