So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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