My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
