I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
