I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
