So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
