No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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