What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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