Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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