Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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