What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
