I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Jerry, you need to find god
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
