i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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