seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
