What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
