My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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