i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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