I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
