I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
