If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
