Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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